1. You may not realize this, but “Murphy” was Chinese. Or at least a traveler to China. Everything that can go wrong in China, will go wrong. You would think picking up your Olympic tickets would be easy. Not if you have a middle name. But that shouldn’t a problem for most foreigners, right? And I’m sure that missing chunk of airport railway will hardly be noticeable to the average tourist.

2. Know the law that we secretly passed and did not announce. Did you know that theoretically all foreigners are required to carry passports at all times? It’s true. What, you didn’t get the memo from the secret legislative session?

3. If you ever have a problem with the authorities, speak English very quickly. The caveat to this, of course, is that more obscure languages are much better, just in case you get unlucky and end up talking with the Chinese Da Shan. The less they understand of you, the more likely the are to give up. Even if you just keep repeating, “No Habla Chinese-a” it should help a little.

4. There will be at least one event that you will have trouble getting into for no apparent reason. This is China.

5. Your taxi driver will have no idea where something really obvious is, even if it’s written in Chinese with a map. In New York all cab drivers are from the middle east, Pakistan, India or Africa. And yet they generally know where they are going (at least the landmarks). In [Beijing], drivers are legally required to be from Beijing. Problem is that includes suburbs 200 miles away. Where apparently all taxi drivers live together in a compound with no maps.

6. Don’t get caught cheering for Japan. You don’t want to incite a riot. In fairness, France is the new Japan.

7. Don’t wear orange to a sporting event. Now this is my own theory, but I’m quite confident in it. Orange clothing is the way to protest China’s various hideous policies without unfurling a banner, or employing the modus operandi, which of course is attacking wheelchair bound Chinese people. I’m convinced that the security forces will be instructed to carry out a policy that will leave many normally jovial dutch people bloodied and confused.

8. Always ask for the menu in Chinese. It’s true that you’ll never know what you’re ordering, but some places have all-English menus with, uh, liberal pricing. This happened to my friend who took a visitor to the Great Wall. She asked for a menu each in English and Chinese, and the owner was so embarrassed at the price discrepancy, she refused to provide the English one. It’s not too bad inside the city, but during the Olympics all bets are off.

9. Oh yeah, during the Olympics, all bets are off.

Good Luck Olympics, and good luck all visitors!