Cup of Cha
This is China

Now mind you, I’m definitely not advocating robbing a Chinese bank, I’m just saying that the absurd measures they go through to protect truck deposits got me wondering. You know what I’m talking about: the enormous guns that the dozen or so rent-a-cops have as they pour out of the vans to collect or drop off cash. The sad attempts to seal off the street as spectators gather around because anything is happening.

And you know, it really can’t be that hard. I mean, is there a more poorly trained armored truck unit in the world than the average security detail in China. First, has anyone ever made a serious attempt to rob a bank here? There are no guns in the population. And there are cameras everywhere. So these guys essentially have no experience combating anything more dangerous than their fellow guards who might give them a smack when they fall asleep .

I’m not saying that someone could pull of the job all willy-nilly, but a well-trained group of people could certainly turn a heist, catch the guards off-guard as they taser pieces of paper on the ground (yes, I’ve seen this) and overwhelm them so they turn over the cash. Chinese bank truck guards have giant guns that are entirely terrifying if you happen past them on the sidewalk, but they also tend to be wearing the less-than-intimidating canvass shoes. I feel like guns and canvass shoes equal each other out of the toughness factor. So I have concluded that most people with a sling-shot and half a brain would have a decent chance.

Now the tricky thing about holding up a bank, from what my friends tell me, is the getaway. So what’s the best way to avoid getting caught in a manhunt? Make sure they don’t know for whom they are looking. The first key is make sure no one knows your nationality. If I were consulted on this, I would either tape someone speaking with a really strong accent from say Sichuan, or else learn a decent Xinjiang accent. Most Chinese figure people from the latter are a bunch of thugs anyway, so might as well throw them off track. So you would wear ski masks and speak with northwest accents.

Then you have to figure out a getaway. This should be easy because your team of five should have easily disarmed an sufficiently scared the guards to the point where they won’t want to follow you. Plus, have you ever seen a police car racing down the street with its sirens baring? This has never happened in China, which makes me think they don’t have cat-like reaction times. In fact, I’m 98 percent sure that cops in China spend most of their time being watched by 726 gawkers as they sort out tiny traffic accidents. That and drinking baijiu. Bank robberies are not a top priority.

So I’d think about what Chinese police officers might be looking for. An upscale car, probably, because if you were cool enough to be a bank robber, why would you not have a nice car, right? Instead, you stash a Pigeon bike around the corner, throw the money into your hand basket, ditch the disguise and pedal off. Even if the police can see you through the thick, white smog, what are the odds that they’ll catch up with you in rush hour traffic?

It’s the perfect plan.

Tags: banks
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