Cup of Cha
This is China

The emergence of a treasure trove of Hong Kong pop-star Edison Chen’s (陈冠希) homemade sex pictures was a shock to all, but none more so than me. When the files showed up online I sorted through them one by one, expecting to see my own image. Instead, during my strictly investigative search, I found only his stable of Chinese pop stars. All of this time that Edison had been filming us, he had been have secret trysts with dozens of women!

On the one hand I am clearly relieved that the images of Edison, or “fast-Eddie” as I used to call him, have not emerged. And yet on the other hand, I have to wonder how I missed all of the signs that he was 37-timing me.

There must have been indications out there that I missed–or chose to ignore. I think back to that time when I found pictures of naked female stars on his camera. But he insisted he just like the “female image.” True, all of those pictures were solo-acts, but I should have known better than to accept his excuse that he “still needed his daily Cup of Cha.”

What a fool I was! To think that the Infernal Affairs star would be satisfied with only our pictures! When he turned down that role in The Fast and the Furious 3 I should have suspected that “our scene” was losing its appeal to him. Why else would he pass on the chance to be in a race-car film? (Maybe he just didn’t have time in already-active schedule.) But then I remembered you have a “pink laptop, which [you] nicknamed Cotton Candy Mac” and decided that you hadn’t left our team.

But my real question to you, Eddie, is: why did you allow all of those other pictures to be released, while ours remained hidden? Was this all an elaborate plan to break it off with me while avoiding confrontation? If so, I admit, it was a master stroke. Or maybe you kept ours so that the secret relationship could continue to burn in ours minds and in camcorders. I guess I’m just being selfish, only thinking about me, when you are the real victim here.

In your press conference you looked so sad to tell the world that you had in fact slept with and filmed yourself having sex with every desirable movie and music film star on the island. You seemed so embarrassed to admit that you had proof, that not only had you bedded these celebs before your 27th birthday, but had also convinced them to allow you to archive your encounters. The shame on your face was all too real!

I know things are tough for you now, Eddie. Surely there is no market for handsome leading men who have documented their desirability among the world’s most beautiful women. It’s hard even to imagine that you have any box-office appeal at this point. That kind of reputation nearly crushed Sean Connery’s career.

Look what sex tapes have done to other celebrities. Paris Hilton, who had carefully built up fame and fortune by being born, suddenly was reduced to such roles as starring in House of Wax. And still being the heiress to a bunch of money. Times are tough for you.

So Eddie, I will forgive you for going behind my back, sleeping with everyone in sight and releasing footage onto the internet. I’ll forgive you, because what we had goes beyond tabloids and internet porn. Our love is real and special. And only you and I have the videos to prove it.

Tags: edison chen, porn, satire
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