Cup of Cha
This is China

We can only revert to the rarely seen future perfect tense to describe how elated we will have been during after the Games. The Beijing Olympic Committee has even posted a poll of what the top ten stories from the Olympics will have been. This is perfect to me. They are trying to script things so carefully that we are supposed to guess what aspect of the Games will be the greatest success. Here are a few of my favorite possibilities (and yes, these are really the best they could do):

• Smile Wristbands for Olympic Volunteers are unveiled, 700,000 people register as volunteers (This being the best story would make Beijing to the Olympics what Boise is to cosmopolitan cities. Can’t we aim a little higher people? Also, are ‘Smile Wristbands’ and ‘Olympic Volunteers’ really proper names? What’s with capitalizing Random words in The title?)
• As the second-phase sales begin, ticket sales for the Beijing Olympics attain unprecedented heights (Wait, this was a big story, but I think the headline was “Strangely Unprepared BOC Sees Website Crash, Apparently Unaware 1.3 Billion Might want Tickets.” The real headline began ‘Millions Frustrated.’ Ooops.)
• The planned torch relay routes for the Beijing Olympics and Paralympics are revealed (Again, this was a big story, although I seem to remember the second part the headline being something about Taiwan being outraged that it was included as part of China. Are these really the stories they want to be reminding us about?)
• The 17th CPC National Congress calls for successful Beijing Olympics and Paralympics in 2008 (The original title of this was “Remember, We’re an Autocracy.” It will soon be turned into a musical starring Dustin Hoffman as Hu Jintao.)
• UNEP issues BOCOG award of Public Awareness of Ozone Layer Protection (Again, is the environment really Beijing’s strong suit? And what does “public awareness” mean? We are aware that the air is brown. Good choice fellas.)

There are a few other stories that they were rumored to be strongly considering. I give you the headlines that just missed making it into the poll:

• Mia Farrah gives BOC Participation in African Diplomacy Award
• International Community Praises ‘No Tanks’ at the One-Year Countdown
• Human Rights Not a Problem, No Seriously!
• Barbershop Quartet Harmonizing Society Wins KTV Contest

The Games will actually probably be a lot fun, even though I give them such a hard time. On the other hand, if they really think the headlines the chose put China in a positive light, then I will have experienced something pretty painful.

Tags: Olympics, pr, satire
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